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default url is you domain
config.actionmailer.defaulturloptions = { :host => “domain.com” }
I actually figured this out.
I set this in production, to actually see the error: config.actionmailer.raisedelivery_errors = true
and it turned out that sending the email timed out, which after some research led me here: https://www.digitalocean.com/community/questions/outgoing-connections-on-port-25-587-143-blocked-over-ipv6
Just for reference for people with trouble getting email sending working that might reach this page in the future:
For some time now Digital Ocean droplets have SMTP traffic blocked by default (because of anti-spam regulations). If you need SMTP enabled on your droplet you have to issue a support ticket asking for it to be enabled.