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Hi!
As you said, if is indeed evil :) You should use a location block instead:
location ~ ^/(.*?)/(.*?)/?$ {
add_header name value;
}
This regular expression should match all URIs of the format /something/something with an optional trailing slash. Inside the block, you have the variables $1 and $2 available which are mapped to the first and second wildcard group (.*) respectively.
In case you’re interested, I personally like to use Regex101 to test regular expressions.